Murphy’s Laws For Prison Guards

[Crosstimbers Okie]

This applies especially to the USPs. I believe that an old Hack named Randy Torix is the author of this. Randy transferred from Leavenworth to Victorville about two years ago. He's probably retired by now, or burning that Sick leave in preparation.

Murphy’s Laws For Prison Guards

1. You are not Superman.

2. Murphy was an optimist.

3. If it’s stupid, but works, then it’s not stupid, stupid.

4. If it’s stupid and doesn’t work, it’s most likely Policy.

5. The logical way of doing things violates Policy.

6. The important things are always simple.

7. The simple things are always hard.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

9. Experience is something you don’t get until after you need it.

10. No riot-ready institution has ever passed a Program Review.

11. No Program Review-ready institution ever passed a riot.

12. If you are short of everything except convicts, you are in a riot.

13. No riot plan survives initial contact with the inmates.

14. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

15. Teamwork is a lot of people doing what the warden says.

16. Teamwork is essential. It gives the captain other people to yell at.

17. Doing the right thing is no excuse for not meeting the scheduled deadlines.

18. The project you are working on is so important, you can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.

19. Communication is a real problem, but the administration is not going to discuss it with the employees.

20. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

21. Success always occurs in private, but failure occurs in public.

22. Your radio will fail as soon as you desperately need anything.

23. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

24. If you have a 50-50 chance, there is a 90% chance you will be wrong.

25. Always keep an exact list of specific unknown problems you will encounter.

26. No one will believe you solved a problem in one day, so go act busy for a few days until it’s time to tell them.

27. Anything and everything you do can get you in trouble, including doing nothing.

[GUNNER]

WOW, I think ive seen all 27 of these at one point or another. LOL

[BOP Hack]

Outstanding... I know I remember him talking like that...never did see it in writing till now! Good Job.

[copboy]

Sometimes Ive seen them all in the same shift

[schuylkill]

I never heard of a program review until I left a USP and transferred to a FCI !!!

[Crosstimbers Okie]

Originally Posted by schuylkill

I never heard of a program review until I left a USP and transferred to a FCI !!!

That's because no one had to worry about them except the Captain & lieutenants. It was their jobs to run around falsifying government documents so that the Captain & Warden could keep their jobs.

Not that it really matters. It's not like anyone is going to shut the prison down and ship all the thugs to... to where? And, wardens, captains, and all but a few exceptional lieutenants are easy to replace because so little quality time is spent developing them in the first place.

[PapaBear]

Well put Crosstimbers Okie.
There may be as many as well maybe no can't go that high.
Maybe 1 LT. Worth a damn here. She has only been here 6 months or so.

[jafish]

That's a great list!!!!!!

[all4114all]

[quote=Crosstimbers Okie;12046]18. The project you are working on is so important, you can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.
QUOTE]

Oh boy, I have experienced this one.

Just yesterday the Warden's secretary called and wanted to know if I had finished a project assigned a couple weeks ago. It was due by April 9. (Yes, yesterday was April 11)

Feeling like an ass, I had not completed it and of course ALL of the Wardens knew it. Luckily it was a small project that I knew a lot about already so I emailed the response to the Warden's secretary. Of course, I deserved an ass chewing, but I did not get it.

Lately I feel overwhelmed with all of the stuff going on. We have had a major project with offenders assisting with community service which I have been the main point person. We have crime victim's week coming up, which I am in charge of. I have a trip to Ohio during crime victim's week which means I will not be there to oversee the activities I have planned. And I am without a secretary.

I did not realize I had so much to do until my supervisor, God bless her, pointed it out. I just felt overwhelmed and incompetant. Once she pointed out the projects that I have been working on (each of them more important than the last), it puts it in perspective. I am lucky she realizes the value of what I do.

and then there's the coat rack

and furries



lol, just had to throw them in cause they are funny!