Tazer humor

[Marine67]

This is a hilarious email my wife sent me today, enjoy!




Subject: Leave it to a man
> >
> >
> >
> > Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the
> > wife
> >
> >
> >
> > A guy who purchased his wife a pocket taser
> > for their anniversary
> > submitted this:
> >
> > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's
> > Pistol & Pawn Shop
> > that sparked my interest. The occasion was
> > our 15th anniversary
> > and I was looking for a little
> > something extra for my wife Julie.
> > What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
> > pocket/purse-sized Taser.
> > The effects of the Taser were supposed to
> > be short lived, with no
> > long-term adverse affect on your
> > assailant, allowing her adequate
> > time to retreat to safety....??
> > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I
> > bought the device and
> > brought it home.
> > I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn
> > thing and pushed the
> > button. Nothing!
> > I was disappointed. I learned, however,
> > that if I pushed
> > the button AND pressed it against a metal
> > surface at the same
> > time; I'd get the blue arc of
> > electricity darting back and forth
> > between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
> > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
> > Julie what that burn
> > spot is on the face of her microwave.
> >
> > Okay, so I was home alone with this new
> > toy, thinking to
> > myself that it couldn't be all that bad
> > with only two triple-A
> > batteries, right?
> >
> > There I sat in my recliner, my cat
> > Gracie looking on
> > intently (trusting little soul) while I was
> > reading the directions
> >
> > and thinking that I really needed to try
> > this thing out on
> >
> > a flesh & blood moving target.
> >
> > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
> > (for a fraction
> > of a second) and thought better of it.
> > She is such a sweet cat.
> > But, if I was going to give this thing to
> > my wife to protect
> > herself against a mugger, I did want some
> > assurance that it would
> > work as advertised. Am I wrong?
> >
> > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a
> > tank top with my
> > reading glasses perched delicately on the
> > bridge of my nose,
> > directions in one hand, and Taser in
> > another.
> >
> > The directions said that a one-second burst
> > would shock and
> > disorient your assailant; a two-second
> > burst was supposed to cause
> > muscle spasms and a major loss of
> > bodily control; a three-second
> > burst would purportedly make your
> > assailant flop on the ground
> > like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
> > than three seconds
> > would be wasting the batteries. All the
> > while I'm looking at this
> > little device measuring about 5' long, less
> > than 3/4 inch in
> > circumference; pretty cute really and
> > (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
> > triple-A
> > batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
> > possible way!'
> > What happened next is almost beyond
> > description, but I'll do
> > my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
> > looking on with her
> > head cocked to one side as to say,
> > 'don't do it dip****,'
> > reasoning that a one second burst from such
> > a tiny little ole
> > thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
> > to give myself a one
> > second burst just for heck of it. I touched
> > the prongs to my
> > naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
> > HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
> > WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE
> > HELL!!!
> > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in
> > through the side door,
> > picked me up in the recliner, then body
> > slammed us both on the
> > carpet, over and over and over again. I
> > vaguely recall waking up
> > on my side in the fetal position, with
> > tears in my eyes, body
> > soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
> > testicles nowhere to be found,
> > with my left arm tucked under my body in the
> > oddest position, and
> > tingling in my legs?
> >
> > The cat was making meowing sounds I had
> > never heard before,
> > clinging to a picture frame hanging above
> > the fireplace, obviously
> > in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
> > my body flopping all over
> > the living room.
> >
> > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug'
> > yourself with a
> > Taser, one note of
> > caution: there is no such thing as a one
> > second burst when
> > you zap yourself!
> > You will not let go of that thing until it
> > is dislodged from
> > your hand by a violent thrashing about on
> > the floor. A three
> > second burst would be considered
> > conservative?
> >
> > SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
> >
> > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
> > time was a
> > relative thing at that point), I
> > collected my wits (what little I
> > had left), sat up and surveyed the
> > landscape. My bent reading
> > glasses were on the mantel of the
> > fireplace. The recliner was
> > upside down and about 8 feet or so from
> > where it originally was.
> > My triceps, right thigh and both
> > nipples were still
> > twitching. My face felt like it had been
> > shot up with Novocain,
> > and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
> > control over the
> > drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was
> > too numb to know for
> > sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a
> > faint smoke cloud
> > above my head which I believe was came from
> > my hair. I'm still
> > looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
> > significant reward for
> > their safe return!!
> >
> > P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now
> > regularly threatens
> > me with it!
> >
> > 'If you think Education is difficult, try
> > being stupid.'
> >

[bury_bred]

OMG, I almost ******* myself reading this. Thanks for belly laughs!

[LBM2004]

Ok...had my wife read this she wants to know ifg Galls carries these. She started crying she was laughing so hard and kept pointing at me saying that I would do something like that. Well she's probably right but I don't need to tell her that.

[GUNNER]

ROFLMAO, thats some funny stuff right there.

[Blueangel42773]

Ok. I know I'm late on this one, but this is some funny sh*t. I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. I can see about 90% of my coworkers doing this, including me just for sh*ts and giggles.

[DellyAngel1]

ROFLMAO.....that is funny ! I had to breath in a paper bag I was hyperventilating from laughing so hard...hubby had to ask wth I was reading that was making me laugh so hard....I gotta get one for my brothers, they will do IT!

[TheHound]

That is absolutely outstanding. I bought a 300,000 volt for my wife and wasn't sure if it was strong enough. They make them up to a million volts now.

[crayers]

Proper use of a tazer:

YouTube - University of Florida student Tasered...

[Blueangel42773]

WOW!!!!You think he would've been better off to quit shooting his mouth off?

[Blueangel42773]

Originally Posted by TheHound

That is absolutely outstanding. I bought a 300,000 volt for my wife and wasn't sure if it was strong enough. They make them up to a million volts now.

OOOH! A million volts? Where do I get one of these babies?