Friday Humor

[santipecos]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a*****e when you're drunk."




If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they Santa


Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa

Right-click here to download pictures. To help protect your privacy, Outlook prevented automatic download of this picture from the Internet.Right-click here to download pictures. To help protect your privacy, Outlook prevented automatic download of this picture from the Internet.Right-click here to download pictures. To help protect your privacy, Outlook prevented automatic download of this picture from the Internet.
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a PlayStation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the s**ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa


Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whinny begging s**t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the bogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa

[santipecos]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"



Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.



God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that is would be a woman.



He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."



Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"



God replied, "An arm and a leg."



Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"



And the rest is history...
======================================

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Let’s listen in . . . .


MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,...Go Ahead....If you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$85,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TO?"
===========================================

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was
going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the
prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once
we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the
cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is
going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been
here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've
agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but
I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys
have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not
be as big as you fellows, yet, but I am young and virile, so
I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler
pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL
IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever
seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground
strained the steel ramp almost to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time
since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway.
I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just
stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly
not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him
pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let
him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making

sure he knows I'm a bull!"
==============================

The Story...

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter from the WSJ has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, " Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle group are you with and what do you ride?" " US Marine Corps Harley Riders. " the biker announces proudly.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page.


BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
==================================

The History of Cinco de Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
=======================================

Ear Operation


A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon
she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing
stage, but he will do what he can.

The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she returns to the surgeon's office to have the bandages removed and the stitches taken out.

After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems
to have gone well, and she seems pleased with his work.

The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a
rage."

You know what you did?" she screams. "You gave me a
man's ears."

"Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear.

What's wrong? Can't you hear?"

"I hear everything," she says. "The problem is I don't understand
anything I'm told."
===========================

FAIRY TALES


Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
=================================

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster.

After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"It was wousy," said the girl.

[santipecos]

28 ways to improve your health
28* Ways to improve your* health
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great Bumper Sticker
Diapers and Politicians need
to be changed very often ...
... for the same reason.
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Famous Last Words

Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...

Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to
fix.

What happens if you touch these two wires tog--

We won't need reservations.

It's always sunny there this time of the year.

Don't worry, it's not loaded.

They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a
manager.

You can make it easy... that train isn't coming
fast.

Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.

Let's see if it's loaded.

Step on her, boy, we're only going 75.

Just watch me dive from that bridge.

If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic
cop.

What? Your mother is going to stay another month?

Say, who's boss of this joint, anyhow?

"C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean
out there, what're we gonna hit?"
--Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will
never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline pilots and control towers around the world.


Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'

Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

================================================== =======

'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'

'Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'

'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

================================================== ========

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm
f...ing bored!'

Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!'

Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

================================================== ========

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is
a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'

United 239: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got
the little Fokker in sight.'


================================================== ========

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

================================================== ========

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running 'a bit
peaked.' Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.'Ah,' the fighter
pilot remarked, 'The dreaded seven-engine approach.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

================================================== =======
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one.'