This Is Hilarious... Read On

[dla4079]

>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
>
> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
> submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and
> I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
> across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
>
> The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
> adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
> adequate time to retreat to safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
> AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
> I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
> prongs. AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
> face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone
> with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
> only two triple-A batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and
> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
> moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
> of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
> going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
> did want some
> assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a
> one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
> burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
> like a fish
> out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
> 5"
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
> with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
> thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
> as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from
> such
> a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself
> a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
> thigh,
> pushed the button, and . . .
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . .WHAT THE HELL!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
> over
> again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
> to be
> found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
> tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
> picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
> getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
> violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
> considered
> conservative?
>
> SON-OF-A B-----. . .THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
> point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel ofthe
> fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
> originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
> bottom lip
> weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
>
> Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
> smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
> head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and
> I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
>
> P. S.
> My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[glorifiedbabysitter]

Dumbass!!!!

[GUNNER]

ROFLMAO, thats funny as hell.

[chemdog]

That was great! I needed that laugh today.

[Kebemt]

wow thats just freakin crazy...

[StatusSymbol]

Now get her OC/CS for X-mas and try that out.

[GreDctMember]

My sdies are hurting and tears are in my eyes.

[GreDctMember]

My sides are hurting and tears are in my eyes.

[PapaBear]

Here is one form Old PapaBear

BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife " Quick bring me a beer before it starts. " She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it he said, " Quick bring me another beer. It's gonna start. "
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, He said, " Quick, get me another beer before it starts. "
" That's it!" She blows her top.
" You Bastard!! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"

The Husband sighed and said " Oh ****, it's started."

[Loki]

Best if I don't let the wife read that post! I am still crying with laughter though.