real jokes

[tcurtis76]

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote...

[tcurtis76]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
Word for word, taken down and now published by court
Reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
Impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
Memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
Something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
To you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
Dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
Next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
How old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
Taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I
Need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
Pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
Attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
Performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
People. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
Body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
Did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
Alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
Jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
Alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
Alive and practicing law.

[shakedownshorti]

Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics


President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced Mexico will not participate

in the next Summer Olympics.



He stated, 'Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del país.'




Translation: 'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.