Best Medical Story

[Mack the Hack]

Ok guys, here is your chance to really vent.

What is the best, or weirdest taking one out to the hospital story.

We had an inmate at our institution go to an officer at about 4 AM one morning complaining that he had hurt his member. They took him to the institution hospital only to find that he had BROKEN it. Evidently there are two veins that run down either side of it and when you are excited it gets, well you know. Anyway, he claimed that while he was excited, he rolled over and broke it, or at least ruptured both veins down the sides of it. It had swolen to about the size of a softball. We took him to an outside hospital where the truth was made known that he had actually been riding his celly and slid out on a back stroke and hit hard on the in stroke and broke his pride and joy. He spent several days in the hospital following the surgery to repair it.

Should be some good stories here.

[shakedownshorti]

Originally Posted by Mack the Hack

Ok guys, here is your chance to really vent.

What is the best, or weirdest taking one out to the hospital story.

We had an inmate at our institution go to an officer at about 4 AM one morning complaining that he had hurt his member. They took him to the institution hospital only to find that he had BROKEN it. Evidently there are two veins that run down either side of it and when you are excited it gets, well you know. Anyway, he claimed that while he was excited, he rolled over and broke it, or at least ruptured both veins down the sides of it. It had swolen to about the size of a softball. We took him to an outside hospital where the truth was made known that he had actually been riding his celly and slid out on a back stroke and hit hard on the in stroke and broke his pride and joy. He spent several days in the hospital following the surgery to repair it.



Should be some good stories here.

Hence the inmate was nicknamed "Broke ****" and he would just smile when Officer's would say, "Hey Broke **** get over here so I can pat you down!"

[Arbo]

We had to take one out one night because he had a toothbrush holder stuck in his pooper. He claimed that he sat on it. I proceeded to absolutely humiliate this dude everytime a nurse or doctor would come around. "So, tell me again how you got that toothbrush holder jammed in your a$$." They had to go in with a colon scope to retrieve it. I asked the doctor to bag it as evidence, and I turned it in with the shot that got written on the guy.

[Kebemt]

I had one as a medic once... I was called Rikers for a women who was stabed.... she had stabed her self with a "shank" but it was a toe nail clipper... it was still sticking out of her when we got there... she was knitting... I asked for a scarff...

[BOPCO87]

When I was working the state I was in segregation. Got a very young (18ish) and new inmate. Evidently his homeboys asked him to check in so they could get some tobacco to their dudes in seg. So young dumb inmate says what am I supposed to take. They tell him to take some smokeless (snuff) and they could dry it out and smoke it if they wanted or just chew it. Inmate comes in I strip him and notice he is just not acting right. So I ask him if there is anything he has to tell me, in which he replied no. So we take him down range. About an hour later he hollars at me. I ask him whats up, and he asks to go to medical. I am asked what was wrong. He proceeds to tell me the only reason he is in segregation was to bring some tobacco down for some people. I respond well now that you told me that you aren't going anywhere. He says no I can't get it out. I said what do you mean? Go sit your azz on the toilet, and you will get it eventually. He says I already tried that and its not going to work. The kicker. He then tells me he has 2 full cans of snuff kestered (yes in the cans). He did have to go outside to rectify his situation.

[GUNNER]

Originally Posted by BOPCO87

When I was working the state I was in segregation. Got a very young (18ish) and new inmate. Evidently his homeboys asked him to check in so they could get some tobacco to their dudes in seg. So young dumb inmate says what am I supposed to take. They tell him to take some smokeless (snuff) and they could dry it out and smoke it if they wanted or just chew it. Inmate comes in I strip him and notice he is just not acting right. So I ask him if there is anything he has to tell me, in which he replied no. So we take him down range. About an hour later he hollars at me. I ask him whats up, and he asks to go to medical. I am asked what was wrong. He proceeds to tell me the only reason he is in segregation was to bring some tobacco down for some people. I respond well now that you told me that you aren't going anywhere. He says no I can't get it out. I said what do you mean? Go sit your azz on the toilet, and you will get it eventually. He says I already tried that and its not going to work. The kicker. He then tells me he has 2 full cans of snuff kestered (yes in the cans). He did have to go outside to rectify his situation.

LMAO, what an idiot.

[jafish]

At the USDB we had this guy in the SHU who had been there for about a year, and wasn't coming out for a couple more due to recurring behavoral problems. For about a week he complained about having kidney stones, but they couldn't ever find blood in his urine or any other medical proof. So, one day he gets the doc down there again, and he's pissing blood. So, they send him out on an emergency medical trip, and me and a buddy get tasked to take him. Being the senior officer, and knowing how great a shot my buddy is, I assigned him the weapon and went about the task of getting this guy ready to go.

We get the local VA med center and go in the emergency room. The doc checks said I/M out and gives him a collection jug with orders to piss. The inmate tries and tries, but can't piss. Then, he starts trying to hide from me as I'm watching him try to piss, and he's fiddling with his ****. As I'm ordering him to turn away from the wall I see something fall to the ground and he steps on it. I start ordering the inmate to step away from the item which freaks my buddy out (he didn't notice the item drop) and he starts to draw down on the guy while ordering him to back away. Meanwhile, blood is pouring out of this guys ****, and the doc is freaking out (both from the deap red blood and the weapon being drawn in his exam room). The inmate backs away from the area and I pick up (with a latex glove, of course) the entire (2.5") center of a plastic q-tip which has been cut at one end with a pair of nail clippers to resemble a very large diameter hypodermic needle.

Appearantly this inmate wanted a "fieldtrip", so he sharpened this thing up and shoved it up his pee hole to make himself bleed. Keep in mind that this guy was strip searched, and the guys at West Gate were good at strip searches, so the whole 2.5" was inside his pee hole at the time. NASTY!! We gave this guy so much **** about this incident, he never lived it down.

Interestingly enough, I left the USDB in May '05 and my buddy went to Gitmo. He returned in late '07, and he said the first time he entered the SHU and started talking, this inmate yelled, "Hey,____, is that you??", and my buddy said yes. The inmate then stated, "F#ck you, and f#ck Fish!!". When he called to tell me that, it made me feel all warm and fuzy inside!!

[jafish]

Originally Posted by BOPCO87

When I was working the state I was in segregation. Got a very young (18ish) and new inmate. Evidently his homeboys asked him to check in so they could get some tobacco to their dudes in seg. So young dumb inmate says what am I supposed to take. They tell him to take some smokeless (snuff) and they could dry it out and smoke it if they wanted or just chew it. Inmate comes in I strip him and notice he is just not acting right. So I ask him if there is anything he has to tell me, in which he replied no. So we take him down range. About an hour later he hollars at me. I ask him whats up, and he asks to go to medical. I am asked what was wrong. He proceeds to tell me the only reason he is in segregation was to bring some tobacco down for some people. I respond well now that you told me that you aren't going anywhere. He says no I can't get it out. I said what do you mean? Go sit your azz on the toilet, and you will get it eventually. He says I already tried that and its not going to work. The kicker. He then tells me he has 2 full cans of snuff kestered (yes in the cans). He did have to go outside to rectify his situation.

Ouch, bad decision!!

[glorifiedbabysitter]

We had one in shu, in the bubble, he would only sleep in like 5 minute spurts. he would be awake for like an hour at a time between sleeping. somehow, (bad officer) he got a 7-11 cup and had stuck it to the window of his glass cell, with poo, yes, he made tape out of his poo. we had turned his water off b/c he liked to swim, so in his toilet was the only drinking water, (i know that's just not right but i'm a rookie, i don't know no better). he had pee pee and poo poo floating in it, he had to take his meds and that's what he used to drink downn the pills. what was gross is what he didn't drink he dumped back in the toilet, terds falling out his cup. i think that's why he could bang his head on the windows and walls without leaving marks or bruises. he often fought his reflection in the window as well. He never went to the hospital though. i guess poo has super human materials in it!! LOL

[KBCraig]

I was working a housing unit one evening, and one of the orderlies (who didn't speak much English) said he needed to go see the doc. I asked what was wrong. He couldn't explain, so he looked left and right down the corridor, then stepped into the doorway and pulled down his shorts. And lordy if I'm not staring at a big purple softball.

Of course, I told him to step down the hall and show the lieutenant.

Turns out they'd sent him out for a circumcision, and he had a lot of blood pooling up. All black and blue and swollen... looked like a Pepsi can.