Best Medical Story

[soundboy125]

We had an inmate come to the wing door one morning doubled over in pain. We brought him out and sat him in the rotunda and asked him what was wrong. He stated " my junk hurts". when we inquired about this he said he had been hard for over 8 hrs. We called the nurse and ended up sending him out after a few more hours when it didn't go down. Apparently he had gotten hold of some Viagra and 4 of them at once. We had a good laugh over that one for a long time.

[tcurtis76]

we had a inmate that had stuck ball bearings up his peehole he said it was to keep him from getting hard also had a guy get hit with a barbell his face was all swollen and he was complaining about a hard lump in his jaw that lump turned out to be his eye it had came out of sockett and had slid down between the skin layers

[tcurtis76]

i also sit in on a 12hr surgery on a inmate who had throat cancer they cut that guy up from the top of his head to the middle of his chest removed most of his tongue half his jaw and most of his pallate it was kinda neat watching the doc even had to step stools put on either side of him for me and my partner and was explaining what he was doing while he was doing it was like he was teaching some med students this guy had two eyeballs tattoed on the end of his junk and when the nurse went to put his cathetor in after he was out she saw it and started to laugh so hard before long it got out about the tattoo and you had nurses and docs from other or comming in to "observe" the surgery

[ALOCK]

Had an inmate stuff 5 packs of cigs up the butt to smuggle them into SHU. He changed his mind and could only get three out himself.

[Loki]

Heres one from the U.K.

There is a prisoner in the High Security system with a nickname that is quite apt. This feller has a habit of sitting on his sink taps for sexual pleasure. While he was with us he broke four sinks before management finally decided to take his sink away. The staff wanted to put the four prong twist tap-heads on but they didn't listen to us yet again.

The nickname? 'Taps'.

Story about the same guy: Many moons ago at 'Monster Mansion' (real name witheld to protect staff) 'Taps' is in the Segregation Unit. The staff draw a red dot on the wall at the back of his cell. The deal is that everytime staff open his door, 'Taps' puts his forehead on the red dot (gotta love the control aspect of this). By all accounts staff would ask him what he was. His reply was "A dirty f&*king nonce boss!"

If it isn't true it damn well should be!!

P.s. Nonce = sex offender

[Gaoler]

Gotta ask, what are the origins of "nonce"? If for no other reason than I like it and I know it will confuse the hell out of others if I use it.

[ATW-Hack]

I love the idiots that are so crazy that they will swallow razor blades, but sane enough that they tell us and want to go to the hospital to have them removed... just to find out that they wrapped them in foil and tape!! Idiots

[bolaman1975me]

i had an inmate with sickly cell...we took him to the ER...he had an erection that would not go down. so they put 2 needles in his penis...i cringed...that was horrible to watch....because i could imagine the pain...the inmate was a douchebag so i felt no pain for him

[Loki]

There are two theories as to where the term nonce comes from.

One is that it comes from 'Not Of Normal Criminal Element' the other is that it means 'Not Of Normal Sexual Element'

Bacon is another good one to us especially at meal times!
That one comes from cockney rhyming slang. Bacon Bonce = Nonce . Bacon Bonce is too long to use so it became just plain Bacon. Streaky bacon has become a term for homosexual sex offenders.

[kyco437]

I got one even worse. I took an inmate to the hospital and watch the doctor do a colonoscopy. From Start to Finish.